Monkey vs. The Dairy Security System
After extensive research into dairy-related incidents, the household discovered that wet food rubber lids perfectly fit over milk glasses, preventing unauthorized paw deployment.
Prior to this security upgrade, Monkey would dip her paw directly into the milk before delicately licking it off her toe beans like a tiny dairy raccoon.
This was not an isolated incident.
Related offenses include:
• Bologna sandwich theft
• Consumption of approximately 25% of Xena & Gabby’s birthday cake
• The Great Creamy Chip Dip Disaster of 2026
The chip dip incident resulted in:
¤ one spicy sticky paw
¤ several minutes of visible regret
¤ an emergency grooming session
¤ absolutely no behavioral reform
Witnesses described the dip as: “creamy, slightly spicy, and deeply incompatible with fur.”
Despite upgraded household security measures, experts believe Monkey remains committed to the scientific philosophy of: “If edible, mine.”
Still counts. 🐾🥛
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wanted for assorted food crimes.